Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
