I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
