I will die if light touches me.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
