You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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