Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
