I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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