I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
