Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
