i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
It's official drugs can't kill me
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
