Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
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