Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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