Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Randomize
