please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
