anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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