so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Randomize
