The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
