Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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