you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
