Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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