just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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