She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
