i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
