I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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