I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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