can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
