The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Randomize
