Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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