she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
