How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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