watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Ketchup is God's man juice
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
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