no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
