He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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