what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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