remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I am midnight drunk by noon
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
