New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
