I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
