i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
