The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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