Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
All the doctor said was why
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
