I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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