also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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