I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Oh god it's open bar.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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