it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
If I die, sorry about rent.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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