They should really pass out barf bags in church
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
