My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
