just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
