I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
