Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
