i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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