My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I am spending my child support on dildos
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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