I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
