I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
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I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
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I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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