His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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