I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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