He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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