I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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